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*answering machine*
"Hey, its been a while since we've last talked. Uh, I guess I was just wondering when I'd hear from you again. I had a lot of fun last week and i was wondering if you'd like to hang out again sometime soon. My treat! So, uh, yeah ill talk to you later."
It wasn't always like this. We used to talk all the time. Sharing stories, laughing like idiots, it was amazing. But recently..recently you've gone silent. We would make small talk until you look at my text and ignore me, until i text you again days later. You said that you were fine, but i know he hurt you in some way. You used to tell me how you were feeling, how he made you feel. You still do, but it just seems like you want to yell at me for what he did. Like it wasn't fair. I try helping you, but you wouldn't respond. I just sit back, listen to what you have to say, and let it all happen.
"But that's enough about me, what about you? Do you enjoy taking walks or do you prefer staying inside?"
It was small questions like these that we could go on for hours about. Stupid little questions that became a big deal to us. Eye contact made, interest shown, i thought i finally found the person who could put my wandering heart to rest. That is, until someone snapped that finger of doubt, and cause my brain to go wild. I had no idea what was running through my head but it was a lot. "She hates you." "She can do better." "She still cares." "This will end just like the rest." God my mind was being thrown in each direction and it hurt.
"Hey! Sorry I didn't message you back. I picked up a lot of shifts today and boy was it tough!"
My mind stood still as if all the thoughts had vanished into thin air. I could think clearly again..my mind was free. It felt like a game of tug-of-war and my mind was in the middle. But she spoke to me, and I haven't felt happier in my life. I don't know why i get this urge to confess how much she means to me, but is it too early at this point? Should I even attempt to say anything remotely close to that? I better keep it on the back burner for another day. What should I respond with? Casual "Its cool!" or "No biggy."
"Its fine, I was busy too anyways."
What? I wasn't busy. Ive been in the same position all day doing the same exact thing, worrying about the same person. What was I letting myself say? Ugh whatever its just a small fib so she doesn't feel bad i guess.
*Seen at 8:46 p.m.*
Its been a couple hours since she saw my message and that's okay. Maybe shes just tired? Maybe she doesn't want to talk right now, or maybe she forgot I messaged her? I don't know, but its okay ill just wait until the morning and then maybe she will reply. Though, maybe she wont reply..maybe ill just send her a meme so that she knows i sent her a message. But i don't want to pester her..god why is my mind all over the place.
"Hey man! How goes the lady hunt?"
Oh great, a friend when I need it. Maybe they can help me through it all. Now I'm just going to tell him small details and get to the poi..oh well that just happened. Did my mind just let loose a cannon ball of emotions on my friend? Oh god, he doesn't know how to take it. My brain needs to stop this, whatever its doing. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it sucks. Whelp i basically told my friend how shes ignoring me and how I'm second guessing this whole thing.
"Oh yeah? What did you do today?"
What? She responded? I got all worked up for nothing? Better tell my friend that she messaged me..but hes going to think I'm over reacting, and I'm sure as hell not doing that. Maybe ill just tell him another time. Ill just give my full attention to her. Maybe if i respond quick enough, shell respond fast too. Okay, it seems to be working. Now, let me as her something about her, maybe that will keep the conversation going.
*Seen at 10:28 p.m.*
Okay, she still hasn't responded and its been an hour. Ill check back in a few minutes to see if shes typing. I'm not a creep or anything right? I'm not obsessed right? No, I'm just making sure i don't ignore her, yeah that's it. Well, she still hasn't responded...so I'm just going to go to sleep. Maybe the morning will be different.
Its been a couple of days..and I've taken my mind off of her for a bit. My head has been asking so many questions and its been pulling me all over the place but I'm okay now. Ive given myself time to relax and think things through. I'm going to message her and tell her i hope shes feeling well and that I am there for her through her rough times. I just want to be the best person I can be at this point.
"Thank you so much. I really appreciate all that you do, really."
That has to make me feel good inside but why are my thoughts bouncing all over the place again? "She's just using you for your kind heart!" "She really appreciates how great of a human being you are" "Fat chance you two will ever work at this rate" my mind says. I don't know why, but it keeps me up at night. I really don't want my mind to keep doing the things its doing, but it gets worse as this progresses....i cant take it...
Its did get worse, then it got better, then worse again. People told me I was overthinking everything. I didn't want to believe them, but now that its all over, i can see it. My brain was controlling my feelings and my heart. Telling me things i didn't want to hear, things that were lies. I just couldn't tell the lies apart from the truth. It always happens, and it never stops. I don't know if its an illness, but its something ill live with if I don't fix it. I don't want it to happen again..i wont let it happen again. However, the only good thing to come of it..is that I know she is the one.
Every time she talks to me, my mind is as clear as day. I can think freely, and imagine great things. My feelings are intact and I'm happy. My conscience is alive and leading me well. I'm safe from that horrific word. I'm safe, when I'm with her.
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Mr.GoldGames
