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| An Excerpt from a story I'm working on http://elevatedgaming.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=79&t=21247 |
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| Author: | Lyriati [ Mon May 30, 2016 12:05 am ] |
| Post subject: | An Excerpt from a story I'm working on |
This is just an excerpt from a story in the works, tell me if my writing style is decent or nah. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Any feedback is appreciated!! I woke up the next day to a new text, it was from Samantha, the first time she sent me one this early. I looked over to my clock, it was 5:34am on a Saturday morning. I started to read the text. “Hey Josh, I wanted to know if I could come hang out today at your house? I just want to chill and talk to my boy. That okay with you?” I quickly responded with a short text. “Sure Samantha, just come over and knock on the door, my mom is perfectly fine with you coming over here.” I sent it thinking of how beautiful she would look sitting next to me while we played games together. Did I ever mention that Samantha is a big PC gamer like me? Guess I never did. Soon as I knew it there was a knock on my front door, Samantha was there with a purple shirt and leggings. She gave me a big hug and we walked into my room. My mom came in and told us to be good, she had to go to the store, asked if we needed anything. I usually get a box of Zebra Cakes but today I asked Samantha what she wanted. “How about a box of Pibb?” Samantha slowly asked my mom. My mom seemed a little confused but then replied in a semi-confused tone, “Sure?” then walked out slowly closing the door. Samantha looked at me and asked why my mom seem confused. “Well Samantha, she isn’t really into drinks like that. She mainly only lets the family have Tea, Milk, or Water….” Samantha responded with a “Whoops.” I hugged her a big tight hug and told her it wasn’t her fault, she didn’t know. I grabbed my Xbox controller and my T.V. remote, turning on the TV and the Xbox at the same time. I then proceeded to load up Netflix and I then began to hug Samantha even tighter letting her pick the show to watch. She took the remote and moved it over to MLP:FIM. I smiled and nodded my head, she picked it and we began to watch. |About an hour of Netflix later| My mom walks in and sees us together, she slowly backs out while I motion for her to come back in. She walks in with a bag of food from QuikTrip. She hands the bag to me while Samantha is still sleeping on my lap. I open it and see a sandwich and a donut. I take out the donut and poke Samantha with my other hand, she slowly wakes up and takes the doughnut, begins to eat it while smiling. I take out the sandwich while my mom walks back out with a smile on her face. We soon finish eating and throw the trash into my trashcan. We lay back down and snuggle up to each other. Samantha is holding me while we cuddle. We watch shows for a while then fall asleep. When I wake up it’s about 3 in the morning. I look to my side and notice that Samantha is looking up at me with a smug smile on her face. “You’re still awake?” I asked in confusion. She quickly responds with a hushed tone, “I’ve been up all night, I couldn’t sleep.” I then layed back down and cuddled her, I pulled out my phone and checked Twitter while she watched. I noticed I had gained a few followers for no good reason, I barely tweet anymore. It’s usually just “I liked (video) from and people favorite it for random reasons I have no knowledge of. I put my phone back down and turn on the xbox, selecting CoD: Advanced Warfare, handing the second controller to Samantha, we proceed to play matches until about 6am, then we fall back asleep. I wake up to my bed empty and my mom calling me to breakfast. I walk out in my pajamas and Samantha, Mom, and Dad are all at the table eating while I have no shirt on and just pants. I sit down next to Samantha and we eat in silence. My mom finally ‘breaks the ice’ by asking how my night was. I quickly made something up about me and Samantha just sleeping most of the night, as my mom disapproves of staying up all night playing video games. (Add more info to why she stayed over that night) Samantha stayed over again that night. Then it was about 3am when I woke up to notice that Samantha had gone home and that I was getting a phone call from her mother, I quickly got up and answered, dreading the worst. I pick it up to hear muffled crying as her mom began to speak. “Josh, this is Samantha’s mom, we’re on the way to the hospital right now, Samantha…. tried to kill herself…” and then her voice trailed off. I quickly kept the phone to my ear as I ran and knocked on my parent’s bedroom door. I began to reply just as my mother opened the door. “Okay, what hospital are you going to?” I quickly asked, trying to hold back my tears. I quickly came into their room and sat down, placing the phone on the bed, with it on speaker. “We’re heading to Children’s Mercy Central, downtown….” she replied slowly. My mom looked over at me with a confused expression, I then began to speak. “Mom…. Samantha tried to kill herself again…” Then tears just began rolling down my face. Mom sat up and hugged me while dad began to sit up and put on his glasses. Samantha’s mom told us to meet her at the hospital soon. We quickly hung up and all got dressed. We arrived in the waiting room to receive a call from her mom on where to go. We walked down to Samantha’s room and slowly entered. She was sleeping when we walked in. I slowly sat down next to her and placed my hand on her’s, locking our fingers, I began to cry. I sat there for about 10 minutes crying when a nurse touched my hand and told me that she was going to be okay. At first I didn’t know whether to believe the nurse or not, so I unlocked our fingers and sat back in the chair, just looking at Samantha. Samantha woke hours later around 8am when it was just me and the nurse in her room. Samantha quickly looked around as the nurse noticed she had woken. Then she quickly walked over to Samantha to check her blood pressure and such things. I had begin to doze off as Samantha’s twin sister, Amy came in while she was laid back watching the television screen. I had never met Amy before, but I knew Sam had a sister. I looked as Amy sat next to me, poking me. She began to ask me 20 questions before I could even begin to think. Sam looked over and motioned for Amy to leave me alone and just talk to her. They began talking for a while while I dozed off again. (The English Language everyone! Where “while while” Is acceptable!) I wake up to be told that I should go home now because I’ve been in the same room with Samantha for the past 7 hours. I slowly get up and exit the room, I walk down the long corridor to the waiting area. I quickly text my mom to pick me up as I’m ready to go home. She quickly responds telling me I will have to wait a little bit as she’s just getting off of work. |
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| Author: | Lyriati [ Wed Jun 01, 2016 3:51 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: An Excerpt from a story I'm working on |
nOt double pOsting because i'm nOt a jerk ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I open the front door of my house, my mom behind me, I dropped my things in my room and just flopped onto my bed. I had to process everything that just happened. "Josh, do you want anything to eat?" I hear my mom calling down the hall to me. "Nah, I'm good" I yell back to her. I flip over to my back and just stare at the ceiling. I lay for about half an hour and then get up, and sit in my desk chair. I turn on all my monitors, and my computer. As soon as I get everything on my mom calls for dinner. "I thought we weren't eating tonight?!" I call down. "Up to you!" She replies, in the most sarcastic yelling voice she can. "Coming!" I yell back, getting out of my seat. /A few hours later\ It's about 11pm as I finally crawl into bed, thinking about life, and why it can be so cruel. I begin to fall into a quick sleep before realizing I did literally nothing today besides come home and read news. I slowly fumble my hand around to find my phone, grab it and turn it on. I see a few notifications from my group of friends. I pop in the chat at 11:30, with the crappiest message. "I'm late to the party, aren't I?" They begin to flood the chat with laughing emojis and puns. It soon calms down and my ex comes out from lurk mode to tell me what happened. "We heard what happened Josh, we know why you were gone." Jamie sent with a scared emoji at the end. "Oh, I was going to tell y'all since she's in this group too..." I end it with a sad face. James gives the idea of a group voice call so we can get our emotions out verbally. Everyone in chat quickly agrees and we start our voice call. |
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| Author: | dj7joke [ Tue Jun 28, 2016 4:59 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: An Excerpt from a story I'm working on |
Guggy wrote: This is just an excerpt from a story in the works, tell me if my writing style is decent or nah. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Any feedback is appreciated!! Yellow = Edited Red = Delete Green = Missing Details Light Blue = DJ's Comments I woke up the next day to a new text, it was from Samantha, the first time she sent me one this early. I looked over to my clock, it was 5:34am on a Saturday morning. I started to read the text. “Hey Josh, I wanted to know if I could come hang out today at your house? I just want to chill and talk to my boy. That okay with you?” I quickly responded with a short text. “Sure Samantha, just come over and knock on the door, my mom is perfectly fine with you coming over here.” I sent it thinking of how beautiful she would look sitting next to me while we played games together. Did I ever mention that Samantha is a hardcore PC gamer like me? Guess I never did.[Did she just knock on his room, did he not change clothes or get something ready?] Before I knew it there was a knock on my front door, Samantha was there with a purple shirt and [What about the rest of her outfit?]leggings. She greeted me with a big hug and we walked into my room. My mom came in and informed us that she had to go to the store, she told us to be good kids, and asked if we wanted something. I usually ask for a box of Zebra Cakes, but I decided to ask Samantha if she wanted anything first. “Can you get me a box of Pibb?” Samantha slowly asked my mom, calmly. My mom seemed slightly confused, but then replied in a semi-baffled tone, “Sure?” then walked out whilst deliberately closing the door. Samantha stared at me and asked why my mom seem confused. “Well Samantha, she doesn't really like those drinks. She mainly only lets the family have Tea, Milk, or Water….” Samantha replied with a “Whoops”. I gave her a big tight hug[I don't see why he had to hug her] and told her that it wasn’t her fault, and that she didn’t know. I picked upmy Xbox controller and TV remote from the table, and proceeded to turn on the TV and Xbox at the same time. After that I to loaded up Netflix and I then began to while hugging Samantha in a tight, yet soothing manner and allowing her to pick a show for us to watch. And I'm just too lazy to continue reading and suggesting qq (Hence why I stick to writing poems instead of stories) |
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| Author: | Quik [ Sat Jul 09, 2016 11:00 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: An Excerpt from a story I'm working on |
From what I read, pretty rudimentary vocabulary. However, I assume this is what you are striving towards. |
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| Author: | Jixy [ Sun Jul 10, 2016 9:17 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: An Excerpt from a story I'm working on |
Good so far just fix some editing and some of it doesn't make sense. Revise. |
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| Author: | Lyriati [ Sun Jul 10, 2016 2:10 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: An Excerpt from a story I'm working on |
Quik wrote: From what I read, pretty rudimentary vocabulary. However, I assume this is what you are striving towards.
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